My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
