porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
