Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Who died my cat blue again?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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