I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
