our cab driver is having phone sex.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
