i already hear my dad disowning me
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
