Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
