I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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