A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I feel great
I just peed on a car
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
