New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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