I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
