My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
