Need sex. Gaining weight.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
