No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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