I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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