Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
