I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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