Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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