so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
