So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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