Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
They have beer where we have blood.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
