That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
