so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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