I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
