sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
