yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
