I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
