No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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