I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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