lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
