I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
