I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
