dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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