He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
