Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
