I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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