Define "chronic" masturbator.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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