I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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