OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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