The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
