i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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