You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
