I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
