I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Randomize
