dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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