she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
