I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
You left your phone here
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