they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Randomize
