I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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