Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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